Several months later we drove down the coast to Coronado, CA to celebrate my Father-in-law’s birthday. He was turning 80. It was a blessing to be only a couple hours from my husbands family and we loved to take part in any family festivities that we could. His big Greek family was so much fun and we always enjoyed being together. There was always delicious food, lots of conversation and laughs. It meant a lot to me, being all my family was in Minnesota, and I frequently missed out on family events back home. This birthday was obviously a milestone. He was such a fine man. Someone so dedicated to family, who worked hard his whole life and was enjoying his retirement years on the California coast with his wife. He loved to cook, making delicious Greek food. Whether it was trays and trays of spanakopita or fresh homemade Greek yogurt he shared it with everyone and anyone. If he was cooking….life was good - for him and everyone around him. When I reflect on time spent with my husband’s family the food is one of my fondest memories. From the very first time I met them and was invited in they shared all kinds of homemade goodies that I could not refuse. Everything was always made with love. Being a part of my husbands family has always been a blessing to me and I have always been so grateful that they took me in even before my husband and I were married. They made me one of their own from the very beginning.
We noticed on this trip that his Father, a spry and vibrant man, was walking with a cane and slightly hunched over. This was a shock to us. We had never seen him like this before. He was always buzzing around, as busy as a bee, running circles around the rest of us. When we inquired we were told us that he was dealing with some back pain and they were trying to figure out what was going on. It was heartbreaking to see him like this knowing he was in pain. Having a minor car accident in my early twenties, I had dealt with back pain for many years and knew how hard it was to control. I had recently ruptured a disc in my low back, that was previously bulging from the accident, and had been suffering with excruciating pain that was debilitating at times. I would lay down on the stock room floor at work. in tears, hoping it would pass, many days having to go home early. When we saw my husband’s Father like this we were deeply concerned. We hoped that it was something minor, maybe a strain or sprain, and he would bounce back. We tried to justify that he was 80 years old and that we knew he would possibly decline at some point in his life, but we were not prepared for it and it seemed to come out of nowhere. We enjoyed his birthday party, but there was a very somber mood that hung over that day, and I could see the concern in my mother-in-law’s eyes.
After enjoying a weekend in Coronado with family, we returned back to Beverly Hills satisfied that we had made some beautiful memories in celebrating my Father-in-law's 80th birthday. We could not escape the troubling thoughts of the condition we witnessed him in that day and prayed he would get well quickly. However, not long after we returned home, we got a call….they found cancer. They didn’t know the source but it was already in his bones and was spread significantly throughout his body. This was the most devastating news. We were still reeling from the recent loss of my Father, and now didn’t know how much time we would have with my husband’s Father. Both our Father’s were such strong family patriarchs and the loss of my husbands Father would have a major impact on all of us. We ended up returning to San Diego not long after, and spent as much time as we could helping out and supporting the family. We didn’t know how long it would go on but wanted to be there as much as we could be.
He ended up in the hospital and everyone rushed to be by his side. His sisters flew in from Chicago to see him and knew this could most likely be the last time. We all hunkered down at the hospital and surrounded him with love in his room, thinking he could leave us at any time, but he wasn’t ready and would go on his own terms. He couldn’t stand being in the hospital and wanted to go home. When there was nothing more they could do for him in his condition, they let him go. He ended up at his daughters house, near the beach, and they made a room for him there where everyone could pitch in and take care of him with day and night shifts. It was excruciating to watch him waste away. It was not a fitting end for a man that was so full of energy and vibrant in life. It was an agonizing two or three months as we watched him go through the end stages of life. One day in the early morning hours, while the sun was rising, his breath lessened. We knew the end was approaching and his wife, youngest daughter, my husband and I surrounded him. I was especially taken by the demeanor of his youngest daughter. She seemed so calm and peaceful in those final moments, uttering beautiful words of love to him as he took his final breaths sitting by his side. I literally found myself watching her in awe. I was transfixed. I had so much respect for her, after what I had gone through in the loss of my Father, so recently, I couldn’t believe how how much grace and peace she displayed now in these traumatic moments. I was spellbound and couldn’t take my eyes off her. She radiated such love, and in the early morning hours with the sun streaming through the window, caressing his face, he breathed his final breath. It was like an out of body experience for me, watching his daughter pour out this love and him taking it all in. Not knowing how to express what I was witnessing, but literally so overcome with emotion, I said to her…you are so beautiful. I was overwhelmed by her in that most precious point in time. I didn’t know how to put it into words but what I saw but it was something extraordinary and those were the only words I could utter out-loud Everything about her and that loving space was incredibly beautiful to me. It impacted me so deeply.
The loss of my husband’s father was eight months after we had lost my father. It seemed so close together that processing it all was one big blur. Having gone through it so recently, I did all I could think of to be there for my husband’s family in those final days, and tried to be as supportive as I could. In some ways, looking back, I was trying to give them what I felt I so desperately needed during the loss of my own Father. The things I wished I had done or the way I wished I could have handled myself. But I have come to realize there is no perfect way to handle the loss of a loved one. There is no magic formula or textbook version. Each one handles it in their own way. Some people literally don’t know what to do with themselves in situations like that, and they just react out of emotion or confusion, sometimes shock. What one person needs, another person doesn’t want. There really is no right way or wrong way. For me, in the end, it’s all about the love you share, in whatever way you can. Whatever capacity you can give it during a time like that. Honoring and respecting the life of the one being lost, in those final days and afterwards, and doing the best you can in those moments, to support those around you and hopefully they will do the same for you. I also realized it is really important to share that love with someone in life, while they are living. That is something I had been contemplating since my own Father’s death. Wishing I had said more and taken more time and opportunities to say things when I had the chance. When they are sick and on their deathbed it’s really almost too late. It made me realize that we shouldn’t wait to tell someone how we feel about them, that we should say I love you more often. Let those you love know it. Say it as often as you can, and really mean it. It is one of the greatest lessons I learned from losing my Father and still carry with me today. Don’t wait to share your love....do it now while you still have time. It is the greatest gift you can give someone in life and the only thing they can take with them in death.
♥️LGOF