Grasping at straws...


When I was finally settled in, at home in California, I still had not escaped the fog that I thought I had left behind in Minnesota.  It had followed me.  I wandered the streets of Beverly Hills day after day alone.  I would browse through the stores, sip on coffee and occasionally have a bite to eat at a cafe, but nothing filled the void.   At night I would stay up into the middle of the night, watching old television shows that reminded me of home, as a way to not think about my life and the reality of it.  I wasn’t sleeping much.  I was up night after night and not functioning very well.  My husband was working long hours most days and so I just tried to keep myself busy.  I found I wasn’t able to talk to him too much about how I was feeling, because I didn’t know what to say or how to express myself.  I was just dealing with a deep sadness and was still numb at the shock of it all.  He would tell me that it would pass with time, but this was a pain that ran too deep for that.  Time would not heal this wound I was sure.  I knew my husband was suffering too, but he didn’t know what to do either.  He loved my father almost as much as I did, so I knew it was hard for him and he just dealt with it the best he knew how, which was working and trying to continue living life.  Life did go on, but with a gaping hole that my Father once filled.  



My Mother was dealing with the same loss but in even a bigger way.  The void he left in her life was massive.  The only thing that she had as a distraction was her newborn twin granddaughters.  They were the sweetest little things you ever saw and her saving grace.  They were two little bundles of pure joy.  Teeny tiny and precious as can be.  God was gracious to bring them into our lives when He did.  Those babies probably saved her life and most certainly gave her something to live for.  My sister had her hands full with them and so my mother was a great help and relief to her, as she was right by her side throughout it all.



My Father’s ministry, and figuring out how to move forward with it, was nothing short of chaos.  Everyone in his ministry was grieving this tremendous loss.  Everyone was dumbfounded.  My mother was in no position to figure anything out and there were no plans in place if anything happened to him because he died so suddenly.  My father had his minister, whom  he worked so closely with in California and was running his Bible Study there.  He was his closest confidant and had literally been like an intern all those years to him.  However, he lived in California.  The logistics of that were certainly a problem, and one he could not resolve in the little time he had left.  All the years we had teased this friend, and confidant, about following my Father around perched on every word, imitating him and now we needed him like never before and all the insight, wisdom and knowledge my Father had shared with him.  Now we were so thankful for his attentiveness while my Father was alive.  In addition, he was the only one who had a bachelors degree in Christian education and a teaching background.  There had never been anyone like him before.  No one that took that deep of an interest, had been completely loyal and supported him one thousand percent.  We were never so grateful he had been so dedicated and loyal now.  No one had worked so closely with my Father in his ministry all those years.  However, he still lived too far away.  So, knowing he could be leaving a Bible Study group in Minneapolis without a minister, my Father anointed a gentleman that had been one of his speakers for several years, to lead that group, so it would not be left unattended.  A man he believed he could trust to do his very best.  He had to make a quick decision.  Not having time to prepare us in any other way that was all he could do before he died.  He told my mother to continue on with the music if nothing else.  That was where the two of them shared a special place...in the music.  They had written so many beautiful and inspiring gospel songs about living for God.  Before my Father died while he was in the hospital, my Mother even wrote him a final song called “Save Your Heart For Me.” It was a beautiful love song to my Father and she sang it to him in his hospital bed.  He loved it.  He knew she was a gifted and talented musician and the love of music they always shared.  It was how God had brought them together in the first place.


There was much work to be done in the ministry and everyone was grasping at straws to figure out all the logistics and who would do what, how we would go forward.  There was plenty of passion amongst his followers to keep the ministry going but it would take years and a lot of complications before God would put a plan in place that would truly work.  The whole ministry was grieving his loss.  There were so many emotions involved and so many hearts dealing with this tragedy.  It was a lot for my family to deal with, when dealing with our own emotional trauma too.  Ultimately, his closest friend, confidant and minister from California would sell his business, give up his home and move to Minnesota to try and step in his shoes.  He had no idea what he would be stepping into and it most certainly took a brave soul.  It was no easy feat to fill those shoes and to manage the ministry his dearest friend had left behind.  He would face his greatest challenge in life and go down a road he was not prepared for.  God had a great work ahead for him with many unknowns to be faced.



I would talk to my Mother on the phone almost daily and would hear of things going on.  I would try to talk to her and help in any way I could, reminding her of the way my Father handled things and his goals, but could tell she was completely overwhelmed with lots of opinions from people that were trying to help.  I was too far away to be more involved.  I didn’t know what else to do and tried to be supportive from afar.  I knew God would  have to show us the way, without the one man He had given us, who lead us for over 20 years and had a special gift of God to communicate this truth to others.  He had a gift, a passion, dedication, knowledge of the Scriptures and a strong ability to lead.  It made us realize the great gift we had been given all those years and how impossible it would be to replace him.  It would take years before we would realize…God already had a plan in place.

♥️LGOF

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