Loss really changes people in ways we could never imagine. Each loss has its own affect on the people connected to it. There are many books about grief and the stages one goes through. There is counseling for grief and support groups for grieving, but no one I knew sought out such things and no one talked about it. I saw it change my Mother in ways I could not explain. The impact of that was life-altering for me, and for her and I’s relationship. She began coming to me for advice and direction for her life. She was so lost without my Father. I understood why, because he was the foundation of our family, and gave us all such rock solid guidance as a husband, Father and minister. In many ways, he had been our anchor to everything we held dear. Without him and his presence in our lives, things were drifting all over the place and I was trying my best to hold us together. She was trying to manage his ministry, take care of my grandmother who lived with her, and dealt with her extreme grief and loneliness, while still functioning on a day-to-day basis. I had such high expectations of my Mother, as I had always had in life. I figured she would know exactly how to handle herself, in light of these extreme and tragic cirucmstances. I, of course, was not accounting for how radically different her mindset would be, because of what she was going through and how this tragedy had affected her in every way possible, shaking her life to the core. I expected her to take the place of my Father and that she would be the rock in our family now.
She had continued to go back and forth from Minnesota to San Diego with my grandmother in tow, even after my Father had passed. I was living out there and many of her friends, it was still a second home to her and a place with so many fond memories. She had visited me several times and stayed with us briefly here and there, with my grandmother, but our place was so small there wasn’t a whole lot of room. She seemed content, for the most part, but there was certainly a sadness and very somber shadow she walked around with. I wished there was more I could do for her. About a year, or so, after my Father had passed, she called me one night to tell me she had gone to a restaurant with friends and met a nice man. It was sort of a cowboy joint in the desert where everyone barbecues together outdoors. I could hear a different tone in her voice than I was used to, and was trying to decipher it. Her voice was somehow higher in tone and lighter. Turns out she was interested in this man. As she told me about it, my heart sank. As I tried to sound excited for her, and learn more about this man, I realized in that moment that she would have to go on with her life, and that might mean being with someone other than my Father. This was a lot to deal with. I had hoped she could be content with the love my Father had shared with her, and that would somehow carry her through her life so she would have no need for anyone else, other than the Lord. She explained to me that she had not been alone since she was a very young girl and she didn’t know how. She desired companionship to fill her days that were so incredibly lonely. I could understand that, even though I still didn’t like the thought of it. She seemed in some ways very non-chalant about the whole thing, and didn’t make it sound like it was any big deal. I knew it was the beginning of something though, and that things were going to change, I just didn’t know how.
The next few years she dated. She ended up dating the man she met at the cowboy place for quite some time. It was one of the most challenging times in our relationship because it had taken a dramatic turn. One I was not prepared for. I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was happening in our relationship, but one day she joked about it with me. She said, “It’s like your the mother now and I am the daughter.” I thought…is that what has happened? I am the mother now and she is the daughter? How is this supposed to work, and who do I go to now, if she is no longer my mother? I had such a hard time wrapping my head around that, but it made sense in explaining the way our relationship had changed. Through the courtship with this man she had come to me to talk to me and to ask my advice. When she would do things I wasn’t so sure of, I voiced my concern and sometimes sternly when I felt it necessary. It had all felt so strange and backwards. In some respects, I was glad I could be there for her and help her navigate this new and different time in her life, on the other hand, I felt like I had lost my mother now too. The woman who had raised me and been the ministers wife seemed to be different, in so many ways.
She ended up having a two different relationships within a couple of years and they were all over the place and there had been a lot of drama. It was a whirlwind time in her life and mine. I never knew what she was up to or what she would do next. It was a side of her, I had never seen before. In many ways she did seem like a young girl. One day she called me out of the blue and said, “Guess what, I went jet-skiing today with my boyfriend!” So many things in that sentence did not compute with me. “What?!” I exclaimed. “Are you crazy? What did you do that for?” As the words came out of my mouth I couldn’t believe I was saying them, or had to say them. I said, “That sounds dangerous!” She said, “No, it was fun!” I thought, oh man…what is happening here. I have to admit, I overreacted for sure, in my motherly tone, but I honestly was scared for her and didn’t trust who she was with, to really look after her the way I would. And besides…I would never take her out on a jet-ski! I viewed my mother as too delicate for such a rough sport on the water, not to mention that she was scared of the water being her father had drowned when she was a very young girl. This was a side of her I had never seen before and wasn’t sure I was thrilled about. I simply didn’t know how to process her and her decisions some days, and ended up turning to my new found elderly friend upstairs. She was such a help to me in working through things and trying to help me understand what my Mother must be going through. In many respects she saw things from very much the same perspective as I did. That was a comfort to me. At least I wasn’t losing my mind I thought. She had lost a husband too, in her younger years, and had also taken care of her mother in her older years, so had similar experiences to my mother that she could reflect on, but had handled things very differently than my Mother. I was so thankful to have her in my life and that she was someone I could open up and talk to. I felt so lost many of those days and she gave me a place to go for comfort. We grew closer and closer as a result, and boy was I grateful. I could quickly begin to see that her friendship was going to be a very important part of my life.
As my Mother tried to navigate her way through her very different and changed life, I tried to be supportive and show her as much love as I could. One night I was visiting her in Minnesota and she had asked if I would like to bunk with her. We could have a slumber party she said. Not sure what that meant but wanting to be comforting to her I said, “Sure, sounds like fun!” That night as we slumber partied in her canopy bed, we talked. She wasn’t dating anyone at that time and said to me, “Who do you envision me with?” I was stunned at the question. On the topic of whom she dated, she had never asked my opinion before. I paused and thought for a long moment. “Well,” I said “I would love to see you with someone stable and secure. Someone that can take care of you and treat you like a lady, the queen that you are.” I was surprised when it came out of my mouth, but it was truly how I felt. She said, “That sounds good.” I said, “Yeah, it does doesn’t it?” We laughed.
Shortly thereafter, she met a man at a dance hall in San Diego. She said he was kind and handsome. Best of all, he loved to dance. She had always loved to dance and when he had twirled her around the dance floor, it had melted her heart. He was older, and retired, with a lovely home on the water in San Diego. They began a courtship. My grandmother lived with my mother, and so they were sort of a package deal. However, he was kind to my grandmother too and welcomed her into their relationship and was very respectful of her. That was a big step in moving forward in their courtship and meant the world to my mother. Within a year they were engaged. I was happy for her but again, my heart saddened. Although I wanted her to be happy, I still had wished and hoped she could remain single and just enjoy being courted. I guess deep down I always wanted her to remain the wife of my Father and no one else. I honestly didn’t think anyone was good enough for her and deserved her. I knew how well she took care of my Father and what an incredible Mother she had been. She was the most loving and kind person I had ever known, and no one would ever measure up to what I thought was good enough for her. But, it was not my decision to make. I could not deny her the happiness and companionhsip she so desperately needed. The other part of me tried to put myself in her position and try to understand her need to move on, after several years had passed without my Father. She asked me to be her Matron of Honor. My head was spinning with all these changes in our lives and this new life of my Mother's. I wished time could go backward and my Father could come back to love us and care for us. We needed him so badly and without him we were all so lost trying to find our way in life without him and his godly guidance.
I wish I knew then what I know now about grief and how it affects and changes people. I wish I understood more so I could have been more supportive to my Mother in her time of need. I did the best I could, with no prior experience. I have learned so much about life and love in the years to follow, and have had much time to reflect on that period of my life and hers. Although there is still much I don’t understand, I realize now that she did what she could in the midst of her life-altering circumstances. I learned that no two people are alike in the the way they deal with grief and the loss of a loved one. We each handle it in our very own and personal way. It can’t be explained or rationlized. It just is what it is. Somehow life goes on, even though everything that you once knew has changed. Some things stay the same and that feels strange too. Nothing is normal, nothing is certain, everything is scary and the future is unknown. I know God saw all the chaos in our lives and He understood it perfectly. I know He saw my Mother trying to do her best, after the rug was pulled out from under her and that I was doing all I could to support her in only way I knew how. We both wanted, and needed, to be loved and fill the giant void my Father had left in our hearts. He had given so much of himself. I also realized that in the most challenging times in our lives, sometimes those we think will be there for us can’t be, for whatever reason, but that God will provide someone who can, and a way to get through it…He always does.
♥️LGOF