Just after I drifted off to sleep it seemed, the phone rang beside the bed. It was the middle of the night. Delirious and groggy I answered the phone, “Hello?” It was my mother, “You need to come to the hospital right away.” I was too delirious to even ask questions. My husband and I jumped out of bed, got in the vehicle and drove to the hospital as quickly as we could. What was wrong now? What was happening? I wished I had asked more questions but somehow deep in my soul I knew I shouldn’t. Just pray. Keep praying. When we arrived at the hospital my husband dropped me at the door and told me he would park the car so I could get up there right away. I walked briskly through the hospital corridors and up the elevators to get to the ICU. When I reached his room my mother was waiting in the doorway. She looked at me and said, “He’s gone.” My whole body went limp and I literally collapsed in her arms, with the full weight of my body. She gasped out loud and began to crumble under me, we both caught ourselves before we sank to the floor in a heap.
I remember walking into the room after that, it was dark with just a very low light on. I could see him laying there still and peacefully. He still had the heart monitor on his finger and it was glowing red but it was the only part of him that showed light. I was scared, seeing him there so still and lifeless. I couldn’t get too close. I didn’t know what to do, except weep softly as I looked at him so lifeless. My brothers and sisters started to show up and I went to the end of the bed and kneeled on the floor looking up at him in shock. His feet were sticking out of the blanket and I distinctly remember seeing them in front of me thinking…his feet, those are his feet…the feet of my Father. Someone came and covered them when they saw me sitting there staring at them. As I sat there and watched my brothers and sisters one by one go to him and say goodbye it was like I was watching a movie or someone else’s life. This most certainly couldn’t be mine. This was not supposed to happen in my life. This was not supposed to happen to my Father. This son of God, this mighty man of God, this minister of His Truth. My Father.
I watched my older sister so lovingly approach him with a beautiful calm and peace about her. She held his hand and kissed his forehead and said something sweet to him. I wondered how she could do that. I couldn’t get near him - I was too scared. It made me mad at myself. I wanted to do what she did. I wanted to have that kind of courage and grace. I would never get another chance…another chance to say goodbye. The last thing I was going to allow myself was to be afraid in this moment. I would force myself no matter how hard. I rose from the floor and said out loud…"I want to say goodbye…I want to do what you did, but I’m deathly afraid." Everyone began saying, “There’s nothing to be afraid of. He’s not there anymore. It’s just his body.” I was thinking to myself…"Yeah, that’s what freaks me out….it looks like him but he’s not there!" As I approached his bedside, my whole body began to tremble. I had never been more scared in my entire life, than I was in that moment. My family kept coaxing me…"It’s okay, go ahead." As I got closer I reached out my hand, to move it towards his hand, and mine literally began to shake violently. I couldn’t turn back now. I had to do this. I kept moving it towards him. My hand began to shake even more violently. I felt like I might pass out. “Keep going,” I told myself "You can do it." When my hand finally touched his, I held it there and went to bend over and kiss his forehead. I so badly wanted to do what I so lovingly saw my sister do but it was hard enough that I had put my hand on his. I was determined against all my fears and physical discomfort. As I forced my body to slowly bend over, I gently placed my lips on his cool forehead and kissed him. I said, “I love you Dad” as my voice shook just like my body. When I stood up and released my hand, I had another wave come over me like I might pass out. I felt extremely lightheaded. Everyone was saying, “See that wasn’t so bad.” All I remember is feeling like I couldn’t breathe.
A few moments later something started happening to me. My head began to involuntarily twitch. It was jerking to one side. I couldn’t stop it. I didn’t know what was happening to me and wasn’t sure if it was really happening, or if anyone could see what I was feeling. My mother looked at me and said, “Are you okay?” I said, “I don’t know…I feel okay but something's wrong with my head.” I heard someone say, “Get a nurse.” I think a nurse came in and started asking me questions but I don’t remember what. I said, I feel fine its just that my head won’t stop twitching. Next thing I knew I was being put in a wheelchair. Just then I heard my mother say, “We should all go now, we’ve said our goodbyes.” My family began leaving all together and I was being pushed in the wheelchair by my husband. Deep down I wasn’t ready to leave - I would never be ready to leave. My body was in complete physical and mental shock. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t feel, I couldn’t reason, I couldn’t do anything. I was numb throughout my body and felt nothing. Just an incredible emptiness and a feeling of being lost. Like being in a forest full of tall trees, with heavy fog surrounding you and everywhere you look it looks the same. You don’t know how to get out or even if you want to. You feel safe standing still because you can’t move. You wouldn’t even begin to know how. That was the beginning of how I felt, there was so much more washing over me and through me. I didn’t know how to even identify what was happening to me. It had never happened before.
When we got in the car to drive home my mother was with my husband and I. I sat in the back of the van, while they were upfront, my husband driving us. I remember listening to them talk but don’t remember what they said. Once we started to drive away, my head slowly stopped twitching on its own. It was such a relief. Everything else remained the same; the numbness, the shock, the disorientation. What was happening? What had just happened? I was in disbelief. It just wasn’t possible, yet I just saw it with my own eyes. He’s gone. He’s really gone. I didn't know what my life would look like without him. I couldn’t even begin to imagine how I would live my life without him in it. It wasn’t possible I thought. I couldn’t even begin to process it. I felt like I was in an alternate universe. I could see and hear things around me, but I was not there. I was inside myself trying to figure out if I could survive. Was it even possible? This was the most tragic and horrific thing that had ever happened in my life. I didn’t know what to do, how to cope, what was next. I didn’t know anything but an emptiness, so vast and so wide, that it felt bigger than any ocean I had ever seen. It seemed endless, deep and wide. I needed a life vest for sure. I couldn’t float on my own…I didn’t have strength to tread water….it seemed as though I might just sink to the bottom. How would I ever find the courage to live without him?
♥️LGOF